Tag Archives: accountability

Consequences to drinking

Since I have been drinking, I have acted like an idiot, I have lost pretty much everything. Which I am not materialistic, so losing material stuff does not bother me. I do not mind picking up and walking out with out everything except what is important. I have done it many times.

The main consequence that I have endured while drinking is my mouth, and I get mad and violent. Not all the time. I do not have control over my thoughts, and I just get pissed. Once I start drinking most likely if I start drinking I cannot stop. My motto I tried to use awhile ago, is If you start than there is never enough, and you always want more, so why start. Environment has a lot to do with my drinking, and that fact that I fail at everything makes me want to drink.

When I look back at my day, when it comes time to go to bed, and know that I have not done any thing makes me not like myself to much so I beat myself up and drink again. It is all in my thinking, it is all in my head. I do not have to drink. I am the only one who can change it no matter what the environment is like, I have a choice to say no. It is that simple. It takes one decision that’s it. Than put it into action.

Learning to love yourself.

I have tried my best to let wisdom guide my thoughts and actions. I have said to myself ” I am determined to be wise. But is didn’t work. Wisdom is always difficult to find. I have searched to find wisdom and to understand the reason of things. I was determined to prove to myself the wickedness is stupid, and that foolishness is madness. Ecclesiastes 23-25

Has hard as it is to admit acting foolish can become a normal way of living. Acting upon things that happen over a course of the day can really ruin a persons integrity, change who they are has a person. We get so caught up with everything else, and or other people that we change who we are.

I this to be true in my life right now. I have completely lost sight of everything in my life. I do not know who I am anymore. I have lost sight of everything I had planned. I have ruined relationships, ruined my reputation. I have lost all sight of my morals and values. I have let the worldly way of life take over. I have also let others interfere with my thoughts, let people bring me down, and I have brought myself down. I have caused my own misery.

In my heart of hearts, and deep in my soul, I know I was made for more than just this.  I plea to God, take your hand off me, allow me to do what is right. Heal me, you are the strongest God in the universe. I am lacking one of the most important trait to have and that is love. Even though I know I am loving, caring and probably the most understandable non judge mental person. My actions have said something completely different. I have to start loving myself. Start being a leader in my own house, and in my thoughts, or nothing will change.

My destiny starts with me.