Deep Thinking

Since I started really getting in to thinking about stepping outside, do something different. Really thinking how it is time to live the way I was meant to live. More importantly, going after my dream. The dream of helping millions through my experiences in life. That is my purpose in life. As, I struggle with self image, self esteem, and what I believe to be PTSD, it is hard for me. I think to myself, this is stupid thinking and should get on with it. Quit having the victim mentality. All of these things go through my head daily. Not to mention all of the conversations with the Lord, bible reading, all the church services. I mean the list of positive things in  my life and still have distorted thinking.

I argue with God a  lot, for he has the power to move the earth, stop the waves and wind in the ocean. He has the power to change your thoughts, or someone who you are speaking to. He is the all why can’t  powerful God, who can do anything. I argue with him on why can’t he just change my thinking to be what it needs to be. Why, must I continue on with all of these horrible thoughts, about myself, or question ability and Gods love for me.

One thing I have been realizing is that I am very attractive, people see me different than I see myself, especially appearance wise. I grew up not being very attractive, I have been skinny and fat, out of style and in style, popular, and not popular. It seems I have been a part of every crowd there is. Even heavy metal, and stoner crowds.

It has always bothered me how people (women especially) would use their beauty to get what they wanted. I have seen it first hand. You send a not so looking girl into a shop of men, or even in a grocery store to ask a question and or get something and each one is treated differently. I have experienced this myself. I always wondered why it would be that way, but it is, and that’s it. I have a couple of family members that have done this their whole lives.

I was not jealous of it, I prefer to do things myself, and not have to depend on anyone. (Things are different today in my way of thinking in regards to relying on someone, but soon to change) To this day, these family members still do it. To each is own.

I started thinking recently the exact way they think. I can go sell my product and have people buy just because I am pretty. It sounded real good to me and has been on my mind for quite some time now. Today, I thought I am going to get dressed up and do just that. I wanted to go to all the Auto Body, and Auto shops and sell the energy drinks I am selling. Thought this morning I bet I could make at least 4 or 5 sells today.

When I left to go do just this, I started thinking about, how it really annoyed me when I would see this happen. How I absolutely hated it. Even though I really need money I could not do it. I was scared. I KNOW IT WOULD HAVE WORKED.

I just leave it to God, apparently that was not his plan for me today. He wants me to do it the right way.

Just thought I would share.


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