When I think of Fearing God, I think I should fear him of what he might do to me or to my child or to anyone who means a lot to me, if I do not do what it is am supposed to do.
In 2005-2006 I spent in jail. During this time I got real close to God. He saved me from a lot of things, one, my sanity of being in jail for a long period of time. I had never been in trouble in my life and was in jail for over a year. At first it was real hard. While I was there was able to work on the phones 40 hours a week just as if I was out in the real world. It really worked for me because for the longest time I did not have anyone to put money on my books. That was a good way for me to get out of the Pod, but also to make money to buy things off commissary. Anyone who knows what I am talking about, can relate.
I read the Bible day in and day out. I listened to these head phones that only played the radio. I found a station called KLOVE. That is all I listened to. An older women who had been in there awhile gave m a Women’s Live Recovery Bible. I loved that bible and still do. That was in 2006, so one can only imagine what it looks like now. I wouldn’t give it for the world. It is easy to read and it explains verses at the bottom of each page.
This is when I found my favorite book in the bible. Ecclesiastes. This book answered so many questions about life. I always wondered, ” Why do good people who do evil, always have good luck”, Why is that one can work their butts off and get very little, why is it that one can be filled with so much hate, and anger get away with murder, how is it that one whom cared, and cares, works hard, has a good head on her shoulders be treated so badly, forgive so easy, and still have the worse luck in the world. I used to ask these questions to myself.
What I learned in this book of the bible, is that it is completely meaningless. At the time all I comprehened was that it was all meaningless, who cares what people have done in their lives, it does not matter it is all completely meaningless under the sun. This is when I started the study about the seasons. In fact, in one of my rehabs I went to my project for the first phase was for every reason there is a season. I n did not like this place I had to be. In fact I hated it. I did my best. I remember standing outside on the porch looking up at the sky saying God please send me a sign that I am supposed to be here. Not even a couple seconds went by and a shooting star went across the sky.
I stayed for about 3 months, and turned myself back to jail. I was in community corrections, so going back to jail was big for me. The saying is, you screw up community corrections you spend the rest of your time on Prison. I had 2 consecutive sentences, one was 3 years and the other was 2 years. I regressed myself back to jail, prayed about it, everyday, went to work on the phones again, and waited for my court date. About 2 months later I went to court, I had to talk my butt off. My public defender was asking put on probation because I was never given a chance on probation. Long story short, I was let out on probation.
When I got out and situated, I feared God in every decision I made. I did not want to do anything with out God, because he saved me, and because I did not want to go back to jail.
Over the years I have stayed close in many ways, and have drifted away too. When things get rough I know he is here for me, Without God, and Jesus and the book of Ecclesiastes in my life at that point who knows because of the understanding of the book at the time.
Over the last few months I have been reading a lot of scripture about fearing God. A lot of the scripture had to do with Wisdom. A lot comes out of Wisdom. A lot had to do with what people gain by fearing God, and the less may be caused to someone who fears tce Lord.
Ecclesiastes. The limits of human Wisdom 7:15-19I have seen everything in this meaningless life, including the death of good young people, and the long life of wicked people. Don’t be too good, or too wise. Why destroy yourself? On the other hand don’t be too wicked either. Don’t be a fool, why die before your time? Pay close attentionstheseinstructions, for those who Fear God will avoid both extremes. One person wise is stronger than ten leading citizens of a town.
This little paragraph says so much about life. When I was growing up, I was real shy and timid. I did not talk to a lot of people, and di not have a lot of friends, till I got in Middle school/high school. I got a long with the older crowd than I if with my age kids. I always hung out with the older crowd. I guess then I had a lot of Wisdom, without even realizing.
What I am trying to say I that, really it does not matter not matter what other people say or do, as long as you can take personal responsibility, and only worry about you, and trusting Jesus and the Lord no matter what is going on in your life. Be thankful for everything, rather it be a big bill, or sickness, late rent. It does not matter. The Lord always has a plan.